Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Grieving


As many of you know, last week we found out that our little baby didn't have a heart beat. Because I was already almost 5 months, I had to deliver the tiny body - only confirming my belief that life starts at conception. Holding this fully formed little being, I had to face the extent of our loss - a little boy, who Bobby says resembled me.

When I first learned that the baby had died, I wanted to run away. I wanted to magically return to the time last summer before I got pregnant - and pretend like this whole sad time hadn't occurred. The D and E procedure that the hospital offered almost made this seem possible.

But I have to tell you (and really my willingness to experience the birth so fully came from my dear friends Matushka Jenny and Matushka Stephanie) that delivering that precious boy brought me joy. Oh don't get me wrong - it brought me sadness, too. And certainly the medical crap that followed was far from enjoyable. But I truly realized in that moment that the veil between life here and eternal life is thin.

Thank you all for your many emails, facebook comments, flowers, meals, calls and tears. Thank you for keeping my children, keeping friends updated when I couldn't, for calling funeral homes, for flying in, for sending comfy sweats and cozy socks, for physically constructing a coffin (wow, Fr. John!!!). Thank you for experiencing this with us - for validating our grief and participating in our little one's departure from this life to the next. The Church is real and Christ is risen. I love you all, Paige

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have no words, Paige - just tears, and admiration. This post overwhelmed me. I'm not sure I've ever read or seen anything so beautiful.

John said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
John said...

Our precious little Adrian, pray to God for us. Nuni and Pappy

Kelleylynn said...

Sweet-sweet Paige! I'm breathless and my tears flow for your loss. Prayers for you, Bobbie, and the girls.
May his memory be eternal!

MamaHolly said...

Paige,

I'm am so sorry that your Adrian is no longer with you. I am very glad you did have the joy of birthing him. My miscarriages (thought 1st trimester) were all natural and I totally no what you mean about avoiding it all by accepting the procedures they offer. But what closure to hold his body and to see his face. To know at least the body that was your son's.

Thank you for your brave sharing of your story. I pray you much peace through the waves of grief that are so sure to come. Our savior is so much larger than any of those waves and His grace is sufficient.

Thank you so much for sharing that sweet picture.

Sally said...

Blessing to you and Bobby, pray that God will comfort you and your family.

Grandpa Mike said...

Oh Paige!

God Bless you and your whole family.

Many here prayed - even several of our Grand Court Residents.

What a wonderful posting!

Grandpa Mike

Beth said...

Precious Paige. So beautiful.

Michelle M. said...

I'm coming to your blog from Molly's. I want to say how saddened I am for your loss. We have prayed for you, your family and Adrian since the time of Adrian's passing and will continue to do so as you heal. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful post with us. May Adrian's memory be eternal and may God bring you all peace.

magda said...

May Adrian's memory be eternal. Praying for your family.

matthew said...

I send up prayers for you all. I so admire this post and am really speechless. Adrian's memory will be eternal,

Mama Loves Coffee said...

I, too, came here from "Close to Home," and I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for this post. I have miscarried twice, but so early that there was nothing to see, no one to hold. I have since given birth to two healthy children, but have remained afraid to conceive again, afraid to risk miscarrying later in pregnancy, afraid to bear a child and look, as you have looked, into the face of that child asleep in the Lord. You have given me strength to face my greatest fear, and I cannot adequately express my gratitude. God bless you, and may Adrian's memory be eternal. Adrian, pray for us!

Jenny said...

Dear Paige,

This is such a beautiful, heartbreaking, powerful post. Thank you for sharing this process with us, thank you for helping us to see how thin that veil is, after all.

Natalie helped me assemble that package...she was very worried about Adrian. She kept asking if he would come back. I told her, "No, he can't come back...but one day we will go to him." And we will, Paige. We will.

May Adrian's Memory Be Eternal!

Jenny

Ser said...

Thank you for sharing such a personal and beautiful picture, Paige. Your writing, too, is touching and lovely. And so very brave. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shannon said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...I am so sorry!

Ali said...

I came here from Close to Home, and my heart breaks for you and your family. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers today. May his memory be eternal.

Liz said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry that little Adrian could not stay with you longer. Memory eternal.

Jessica said...

My love and prayers are defintiely with you. Your beautiful Adrien and our Anna are with God> Cait knows she has a sister watching and praying for her with God. I hope that this reality gives you and Bobby and your girls some comfort. When I feel sadness, which I still do from time to time some years later, I just remember that her time on earth with me was 8 weeks. That was God's plan for her life - she had done what she was here to do and then it was time for her to be with God again. Much love.

Jeanette said...

Paige, we don't know each other, so I hope you don't mind my commenting on your blog. You and your whole family are in my prayers. May God heal your heart and bless you with peace.

Jane G Meyer said...

What an example you have set--thank you for your inspiring and brave deeds and words. You and your family are in our prayers. Dear Adrian, pray for us.
Blessings...

Jane G Meyer said...

What an example you have set--thank you for your inspiring and brave deeds and words. You and your family are in our prayers. Dear Adrian, pray for us.
Blessings...

Fr. Christian Mathis said...

I will continue to pray for you!

Juliana said...

Dear Paige,

I'm so sorry for your loss and moved by your courageous account of Adrian's birth. May his memory be eternal and may you have peace as you struggle along the road we share of grief and loss. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. I make memory blankets and books for parents in honor of our own dear Philip, born much too soon like Adrian. Perhaps they are frolicking together in the bosom of Abraham.

Let me know if you would like one.

Grace and peace and lots of hugs.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and your sweet Adrian all day today. Memory Eternal!

Laura said...

Paige, the thoughts and prayers of the Sanchez family are with you and yours. We were so saddened to hear of Adrian's death. I hope that being able to hold him and see him was a comfort to you. Your affirmation of his brief life and his worth is so courageous and truly loving. Memory eternal, sweet Adrian!

DP Cassidy said...

Paige and Bobby,

Weeping with you, praying for you.

David and Toni Cassidy
Austin, Texas

Lisa said...

Dear Paige and Bobby,

Chad and I were thinking about you and came across your blog. Thank you for sharing the life and death of Adrian; as well as the hope you have in our Jesus. We sat by the computer so very sad about your loss, but rejoicing at your powerful testimony of the grace of Christ. What an honor to pray for the comfort of Christ for your family this evening. May He overwhelm you during this advent season with His grace, love and peace.

We have two children who have joined eternity. It is so painful to hear of anyone experiencing the loss of the child. We too have been blessed to have many weep with us and rejoice with us throughout life. Isn't life with the family of God truly invaluable? We enjoy every moment with our three children. (Well, almost every moment!) :)

May Jesus richly bless you this evening.

Lisa (Sandie) and Chad Ellenburg

paige said...

Dear Lisa and Chad,
Not sure how to reach you - perhaps this will get to you via email alert.

Your words were so kind and comforting. Our deepest thanks. How wonderful to hear from you.

Love,
Paige and Bobby